Harry Potter as he could have been raised
by Herrdegerre
Summary: What if Harry Potter had never been raised by the Dursleys, but instead was raised by RADICALLY different people (and not people.) The result? Albus Dumbledore is given a Boy Who Lived who might be a ninja, ANOTHER kind of ninja, a Pokemon trainer, and many more options.
1. Harry Mcninja1

**The many different ways Harry Potter could have been raised.**

**Five minute rule**

Albus Dumbledore looked on sadly. If this development of Harry Potter being alive counted for anything, then that meant that the greatest threat to the whole world, Tom Marvolo Riddle, was still alive. As much as it pained him to admit it, prophecies were quite annoying things to deal with. It also pained him to know that Harry Potter would have to, eventually, face Lord Voldemort in single combat- and he knew that without a shadow of a doubt, Tom would win. There was only one thing that he could do- as a form of last tribute to the loyal James and Lily Potters, he would ensure that Harry was as ready to face the Dark Lord as he could ever be. With that thought in mind, he Apparated out of Privet Drive and back into the minimum safe distance of Hogwart's borders. He had much to think about, and if he was right, then he should be able to find all the information he needed in his Pensieve.

About six minutes later, he was disturbed from his thoughts by his Vice-headmaster Mcgonnagal, who came bursting in.

"ALBUS! It's terrible- it's-" she paused to catch her breath. When she spoke next, it was much calmer.

"Harry Potter has been abducted by persons unknown. I only found out when I went back to check on Harry, and he was gone!" Albus was rarely shocked. Now he was. He just stood there, mouth hanging open like a carp as he tried to process what Minerva had said. It was vaguely reminiscent of the very first test he'd done for Hogwarts, where he'd said, to the whole class, 'I am a fish,' and then flopped down on the ground and started writhing in panic. The only thing he said was "Huh?"

_Five minutes earlier…_

Dan looked on as the old man with the long beard disappeared.

"Damn, a magician. That explains the little light gizmo."

"Dan, the huge man and the wizard just left a baby on the front porch of that house."  
"Well, Mitzi? What do you suggest I do about it? Take advantage of the ancient laws of baby snatching?" Seeing her expression, he sighed.

"Alright, fine. Fine! We'll take the baby if nobody claims it."  
"It could be good. After all, a mature woman turned into a cat near him. That's got to be an omen of something."  
"Maybe." Mitzi scribbled a brief note explaining about the baby.

"Five minutes only."

After five minutes, the baby hadn't been claimed at all. Dan shrugged. Far be it for he to ignore the five minute baby rule. He stealthily made his way over to the baby, took up the cradle, placed the note down and disappeared. A few seconds later, Professor Mcgonnagal apparated back into Little Winging to check on Harry Potter, and saw that he had disappeared.

"He has a scar on his forehead." Mitzi looked over their newest charge.

"Maybe he got it from headbutting a lightning bolt or something. That'd be AWESOME."  
"Or maybe it's something to do with wizards."  
They continued the argument all the way back on the flight.

_Now…_

Dumbledore looked at the small note in his hands. Written on it in large block capitals were the words_**FIVE MINUTE BABY RULE. **_

"What should we do now, Albus?" Albus Dumbledore shrugged. As every genius knew, sometimes you just had to take the biggest shocks and turn them to your advantage.  
"We can still track Harry Potter down. The blood wards, while important, are also beaten by simply having Harry Potter in another country entirely. It's not ideal, but with no idea who these people are, we don't really have any other options if they apparently have a law that allows them to steal babies." Minerva cooled down slightly, but she was still angry at how calmly Dumbledore was taking this recent development.

"But Albus! At least with his Muggle relatives, we would have been able to step in should something have happened to him! We don't even know who these people are!"  
"True, true. However, this is for the greater good of all."

Harry Potter burbled in his new cot. He didn't know it yet, but his life had taken a turn for the serious betterment of everything. Meanwhile, his oldest brother was looking over him.

"Hmm. I've only seen things like this in theoretical exercises. Basically, he'll be fine, but there's a piece of soul in his head." Dan nodded. His oldest son might be a disappointment, but there was no other doctor he'd trust apart from his own son.  
"Is it detrimental to his mental or physical health in any way?"  
"No. In fact, if I got the right materials, I could probably have it exorcised by the time he's five years old."

**Authors' notes: It begins. This is only the beginning. **

**Next time: Harry Potter as raised by Pokémon.  
Yeah, I should probably update my other fics. Unfortunately, I don't really feel motivated. **

**So here's a place for random drabbles.**


	2. Pokemon Harry1

**The many different ways Harry Potter could have been raised.**

**Ghost Pokémon are trolls**

In the bushes of Little Winging, a pair of ethereal figures watched the old human with the long white beard place a note beside the small human baby.

"Sleep well… Harry Potter." With that, the old man straightened up, and walked away slowly, occasionally clicking a small device that he held in his hands to restore the lights. Once he'd restored them all, he disappeared. The huge human got back on the flying motorcycle and flew off into the clouds, and the old human woman also disappeared. A ghostly hand pushed a part of the bushes aside.

"_So, they're gone?'_

"_Looks like it." _With that, they came bursting out of the bushes, and looked around. The Gengar who had been watching kept a careful eye out, while the Haunter carefully floated over to the young boy.

"_There's something in his head, by the looks of things. Some kind of extra soul, I would say. Definitely not a friendly one." _The Gengar tilted its head, curiously, and then used Detect to confirm it. No doubt about it, the boy had an extra soul in his body, linked to the scar._  
"Well, we can't have that. Let's get rid of it." _The Gengar prepared a Shadow Ball, and fired it directly at the scar. Harry Potter, the boy who lived, slept blissfully on as the piece of soul that was Voldemort was taken out in one hit.

"_Super Effective." _The Haunter, meanwhile, was having a panic attack.

"_That could have been really dangerous! He's one of those Psychics-"  
"I wasn't targeting him, I was targeting the Ghost-type soul in his head." _The Haunter sighed, pressing a free-floating hand to its forehead.

"_So, you want to take him with us?"  
"Yes." _With that, the Gengar grabbed the basket and took to the skies, flying about like a mad Pokémon.  
_"To Sinnoh!" _

Albus Dumbledore looked up from his tankard of beer at his vice-headmaster.  
"What is it, Minerva?"  
"Harry Potter has disappeared." Dumbledore almost broke down there and then.

"What?" Minerva was looking pretty shaken up herself, he noticed.  
"Harry Potter's magical signature has moved to an unplottable region of the planet. We can still travel there, of course. It's just that the area is the area of those Pokémon animals." Dumbledore sighed. Not only had the prophecy about Voldemort meant that this was a huge complication in the death of Voldemort, not only had two loyal members of the Order of the Phoenix died tonight, but Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived was now in an unplottable region where the prevalence of magical creatures that could easily kill a small child was incredibly high. He resisted the urge to buy a Muggle pistol and shoot his brains out by coming up with a plan.

"We'll send Harry Potter a letter. If we can find where he is, then we at least know and can check on him." With that, he hurried with surprising speed to his office, while Minerva, so shocked by the events of the day, that she sat right down and started drinking form a hipflask.

Harry Potter, meanwhile, was feeling nice and full after drinking from a Miltank. IN the forest glade around him, a couple of Girafarig looked in curiously, while a group of Bidoof were busily constructing a small shelter. He felt happy here, and it was certainly warmer than when he'd been flying through the air like that.

"_Aw, it's adorable!" _

"_I know, right? I just saw him there, on the side of the path, and I just snatched him up!" _While the Gengar related his story to a couple of attractive Gardevoir, Harry Potter was being entertained by another Gardevoir's psychic powers, laughing at the coloured lights that he vaguely remembered.  
_"You know, he's your responsibility."  
"I'll make sure that he's fed and stuff, alright?" _Just then, a large Hoothoot came, bearing a letter.

"_It's for the human baby there." _The Gengar snatched it, opened it and read the contents.

"_Blah, blah, blah, wizarding school, blah, blah, very important you keep him alive and well-educated, signed Albus Dumbledore." _The Gengar looked around.

"_Okay, as soon as he's able to learn, I'll teach him all that human stuff that they think's so important." _With that, the Gardevoir were all over him again, leaving Haunter to sigh and start making a checklist for things he needed to steal.

Albus Dumbledore waited anxiously for the Pokémon Hoothoot to come back. It was the only magical animal that the wizarding world actually used to communicate with the regions of Kanto, Hoenn, Johto, Sinnoh, Unova and the recently discovered Kalos. The Hoothoot came back with a piece of what looked like fabric tied to its claw. Taking it off and rewarding it with a Poffin, he read it.

**tACKing cAre Of Tha Bayb. GEngAR. **Dumbledore just sighed. A Pokémon was looking after the Boy Who Lived. Great. His day couldn't get worse.

"Dumbledore, here's the paperwork."  
The day got worse.

**Authors' notes: And… DONE! New chapter of this magnificent fic up and running. Next time, Harry Potter is taken in by the Uchiha clan. **

**Yeah, none of these stories are related at all. They're just there because they need to be there.**


	3. Uchiha Harry 1

**The many different ways Harry Potter could have been raised.**

**Family matters.**

It's a little known fact that many ancient and respectable clans from the Japanese unplottable region known as the Elemental Countries had married out and were often the root of many ancient clans. One of those clans, coincidentally, was the Potter clan with the Uchiha. Also, due to the need to keep track of all possible recipients of the Sharingan, Madara had, with the aid of a couple of goblins and a Potter wizard, created a scroll that tracked the location of Sharingan wielders and potential possessors throughout the world. Of course, the scroll rarely came into play except to confirm bloodline potential (and it was usually considered a bit screwy after Obito Uchiha was shown to possess the potential for a Sharingan) but it was still a clan duty to monitor the potential for outside blood to develop Sharingan powers.

Fugaku Uchiha looked at the small old man with the steel grey bush of a beard. He was stooped over, and there was a pervading smell of mouldy paper that he didn't find enjoyable.

"Who, exactly, are you?" The old man gave him a dirty look.

"Fumio Uchiha. I'm the Keeper of the Bloodline Scroll- the scroll that determines when an Uchiha has the potential for Sharingan. It's vitally important that I tell you about my latest discovery." Fugaku gave him the trademark Uchiha glare.

"We're still helping rebuild the village after the Uchiha attack, and we need all the help we can get, especially from an old man who I don't even remember."  
"My position requires me to stay near the scroll at all times. Anyway, it's happened. An outsider of the main Uchiha clan has the potential to develop the Sharingan." Fugaku raised an eyebrow slightly at that. A Sharingan manifesting outside the clan was usually almost impossible, but then again, it had happened before.

"I'm glad you told me of this. Who is it?" The old man coughed, and straightened his robes.

"A young boy called Harry Potter. Hasn't been born yet, but will in about two days' time." Fugaku's eyebrow climbed higher in interest.  
"A Potter? As in the derivative clan in the west? How very interesting. No Potter has ever manifested the Sharingan before. Where is he?"  
"Currently in England, I should say." Fugaku sighed.

"We lost a lot of good clan members in the attack. We could always use more."  
"Right you are sir."

Itachi sighed as he chased the giant in his small flying machine. Due to the distance between the Elemental Countries and England, he'd taken a ship to the mainland of Japan, then taken a 'plane.' It had been an absolute nightmare, with English speaking tourists all around, babbling about 'J-pop,' and 'Nintendo' and all sorts of things. The fat man with the unkempt neckbeard beside him had been trying to speak to him in fragmented Japanese to tell him that he had a pretty mouth, but Itachi had mimed to the man that he was a deaf-mute so he could get some sleep. Now, he was currently in England, and as soon as he found where the boy was, a giant man had picked up the baby and placed him on a motorcycle. Fortunately, Itachi had managed to take a pair of binoculars, and with the help of Sharingan aided eyesight, was now driving a stolen car in order to make things easier on himself. There was no way that he was using the Shunshin across a whole country.

Two cars later, and Itachi was exhausted from running the rest of the way, but the giant was touching down in a suburb that was known in the English language as Little Winging. He listened in on the conversation, and found himself slightly disgusted at how cavalier this Dumbledore fellow was. He wanted to leave the boy here, where anybody could take him? Fine. He waited until he was definitely sure that the old man and his entourage were gone, then ran forwards, picked up the baby, and ran to a civilian car, quickly kicked the window in, disabled the alarm, then drove off after hotwiring it, baby on board.

Dumbledore was busy writing a small memoir to his fallen Order of the Phoenix members when Minerva burst in.

"Harry Potter has been taken!"  
"What? That's impossible. Only those who share more than half his blood should have been able to grab him through those wards." That ward scheme had been quite the achievement, and disabling it was far beyond the skill of the Pureblood wizards that had been part of Voldemorts' inner circle.

Itachi sneezed, and noticed that the cars' fuel gauge was currently in the red. Quickly parking it, he jumped out, and applied a Henge so that he looked like a fat father with his small child. Airport security wasn't a big concern, and he was now on a flight to Japan. Beside him, Harry Potter slept soundly, unconcerned by the sound of jet engines- he'd slept through worse, after all.

Meanwhile, Dumbledore was about to lose all hope when he felt the blood wards take hold in wherever Harry Potter was currently. This meant that whoever had abducted him was close enough family that they could look after young Harry. It also explained how they'd beaten the wards- they were closely related enough that the wards were so much marsh gas. At least, if Harry's blood wards formed, then he could be protected from the worst in the world.

"This the brat?"  
"Yes, father."  
"Stick him in the standard clan training program when he's five."

**Authors' notes: A prize and mention for whoever can first tell me what Fumio's name means in Japanese. Next time, Harry Potter is adopted by Mr. Bean! Edit note: Yeah, jsut thought of this.  
**

**I do have other fics out there that I could update, but I'm having so much fun writing these.**


	4. Harry Bean1

**The many different ways Harry Potter could have been raised.**

**Mr Bean.**

As Albus Dumbledore Apparated back to the minimum distance in Hogwarts, he reflected that maybe he should have asked to make sure that the Potters' Secret keeper was someone other than Sirius Black. If it had been somebody like Peter Pettigrew, then maybe the Potters would still be alive. Dumbledore shook his head. He couldn't dwell on the past. He had a school to run and students who needed him to be there.

Meanwhile, in Little Winging, a broad beam of white light shone in the middle of the street, and a man dressed in an olive tweed jacket with a white shirt and red tie, fell down on the ground. He stood up, brushed himself off, and waited for the ship to take him back. Failing that, he wandered off. Unnoticed, the white beam of light shrunk and disappeared.

Mr Bean saw that there was a small baby boy on the front porch and ignored it. He couldn't care about the baby, not after the last time he'd accidentally taken a baby. Instead, he ignored the baby. Unfortunately, fate had other ideas for him. Young Harry Potter, accidentally tapping into his magic, Apparated into the back seat of Mr Beans' green mini while sleeping. It was a miracle that he hadn't splinched.

Mr Bean got into the green mini after unlocking the padlock, started the car and drove off to his flat. Unknown to him, Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived, was sleeping in the back seat with him.

Albus Dumbledore, sick with worry for the boy, Apparated back to Little Winging and discovered that Harry Potter had disappeared. He almost broke down there and then. Instead, he decided to call in the man who had a blood debt to Harry Potter- Severus Snape, former Death Eater.

Mr Bean only discovered the baby when the baby woke up and, being a baby, started wailing like a fire engine. Mr Bean turned around and his eyes went comically wide.

"Oh no…"

Petunia Dursley, unknowing of what had happened last night, noticed that there was a rather strange man walking up. She didn't know what was wrong with him- maybe it was the too-short trousers, maybe it was the awful jacket, or maybe it was the strange smile he wore. Whatever it was, it reminded her of some of her younger sister Lily's weird friends. She also saw that he was carrying a baby. As she watched through the window, he placed the baby on the doorstep and walked off. She pursed her lips.

Mr bean was finally rid of the annoying baby that had plagued him when the door opened. He saw a woman who looked like a horse grab the baby and march over to him.

Petunia watched the man see her, and then start acting like a child. After making a sort of moaning sound, he took the baby from her and marched sullenly over to the car, where she saw him unlock the padlock that was on his mini, put the baby on the seat and drive away. That was it. She marched into her house, furious beyond belief at Albus Dumbledore's impunity. The nerve of him, sending… _freaks_ like that man to her house.

Albus Dumbledore read the letter again.

_Dear Albus Dumbledore, _

_What do you think you're doing, sending a freak like that man to my house?  
He came there this morning, placed a baby on the doorstep and walked off. I gave it back to him- and I know he was one of your lot, even though he did drive a car. He said something freakish and drove off with the baby he had with him._

_I don't want anything to do with your freakish lot, and neither does my husband. My son might be infected with your freakishness already._

_Petunia Dursley._

"Well, he's not there with old horseface, that's something." Albus directed a cold glare at Severus Snape.  
"Severus, don't refer to her like that."  
"Of course, Headmaster." Snape's tone left no doubt that he would continue to refer to Petunia Dursley as 'Horse-face.'

Meanwhile, Mr Bean was trying to buy some baby formula. He didn't know anything about babies, but he did know that, back home, you gave babies milk. Eventually, he found some formula and plonked it in the shopping trolley, along with the dozen tins of baked beans, marmite and twiglets. Harry Potter, dressed in the small baby singlet he'd stolen off a woman's washing line yesterday, burbled happily. Mr Bean was quite a fun person to be with, if you're a baby. As he watched Mr Bean accidentally pull a shelf of cereal boxes down on himself, he laughed out loud in delight. This was almost as fun as the coloured lights that daddy had made for him!

**Authors' notes: And there we have it, Harry Potter being raised by Mr Bean. Now then, I think we have enough Harries now. ** **Next time, on How Harry Potter should have been raised, Harry Mcninja's childhood.  
Congratulations to jostanos for attempting to guess what Fumio's name meant! The translation I used means, "Studious Child," which I felt was appropriate for somebody who has to watch a bloodline scroll, but your translation also fits for a member of the Uchiha clan, known for fire techniques and being total Fucksuckers. For your guess, I give you the grand prize of these words: Nitwit! Addle! Bulboecork! Tweak! And that's a wrap.**


End file.
